You’re Cupless!

Welcome back to Shit My Fiancée (now wife) Says!

A most endearing and affectionate woman. One who always keeps me on my toes. One who helps me fight my foes. One who helps me wash my clothes. But after dark, all bets are off. The loudly-sleeping beauty will, without warning, spring awake, her eyes wide with surprise, often pawing the bed around her for something familiar to comfort her still-sleeping brain. In the darkest depths of night, in a half-intelligible attempt to articulate some hazy idea… she speaks:

“You haven’t done it yet either? “

A marked pause.

“You haven’t gotten the bird yet.”

Not a question.

“You’re cupless.”

She isn’t wrong. I did not have a cup.

“You cryin’?”

I wasn’t.

“Awww frozen”

If only I could sit inside that tired mind and take a look around. It seems like a fascinating place! Thanks for reading, fellow ants!

Dummies Alive

There was once a man who had no time. His life was consumed by his career, his school, and his duties as a man. His desire to fix things interfered with his desire to have fun. His refusal to ask for help only increased his time lost. By utilizing wiki-hows and YouTube tutorials, he was able to do anything, but where does the time go? Or does time stay while he goes?

One day that man had a slow night at work. He had no classes to attend, or work to be done. That man was me. Which explains why I am here wasting time for my future self to indulge in my ignorant younger-self’s rants and laugh in wonder at my ideologies.

It is time for another issue of Shit My Fiancee Says! Actually this came from my wife, but you can’t just change the name of a most beloved recurring segment. Hopefully you’ll get a kick out of this old man 😉

Anne deeply slumbers, snoring annoyingly. The drool forms a perfect tear shape at the tip of her protruding tongue. With every snore, her tongue wiggles in a sine-wave like formation while the spit tear impossibly clings to the edge. Her body is positioned in such a way that would make a chalk outline jealous. I am up past my bedtime as a grown man is allowed to do (Anne!) playing Red Dead Redemption very quietly when…. she speaks:

“She’s just standing by it. Just standing.”

Me: “By the fire?”

She must have misheard me since she replies “She’s there just standing alone by the…. farm?” But she goes on, “No one else but her on the farm.”

Anne’s imagination must be running wild, with vivid pictures dancing like sugar plums for only her to see. Her voice changes to a dramatic, story-telling tone.

“She just stands there… by the fire. But then she is reading the book and Pinocchio is there, but you hear it from *his side of the story*” The last bit spoken in a poor attempt (or amazing attempt for a sleeping person) to imitate a movie voice over guy.

“Night of the living dummy. Night of the living dummy is what it is.”

Quite a different vision of the classic Pinocchio that we all know and love. But maybe she’s right. Maybe her meditative sleep has the power to show her the truth. Maybe she is trying to warn all the wooden marionette owners to beware. Maybe she is the receptacle of some forsaken wisdom?! She had passed out from one too many shots that night, so probably not.

Sleep tight, ants.

Simplicity

Confucius said that “Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” Confucius must have never come in contact with Anne Marie. That is a profound statement, life is very simple. Put my appendage here, you move a little there *BAM* you have life. I exude life on a thrice weekly basis if not more, and most women on a monthly basis. I digress, my fiancee may not live her waking life by this mantra, but she obviously does in her subconscious existence.

I am reaching back into the vault for this one since it has been a figurative minute since I have last posted. This had to have been about 5 to 6 years ago, before Anne and I were living together and doing our “gonna be together forever” thing. If I remember correctly, I was playing some old Xbox 360 game in her room after hours as she slept. This was before I was aware she had this…. quirk, and was my first experience of it. I was dumbfounded, tickled, and slightly impressed. It was an early glimpse into that beautiful innocence wheeling around in her mind.

She stated simply, beautifully “I’m a leaf”

Floating in the wind? Chilling on a tree? She didn’t remember when I told her a few weeks after the fact so we will never know. Whatever context it may have been in, though, it is amazing how peaceful that hippies mind works! I am so lucky to have her! ; )

“As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness.” – Henry David Thoreau