Ominous Undertone

Good evening, fellow ants, and allow me to divulge the brief nocturne horror as portrayed to me first hand by my lovely wife. Succinct yet intriguing in the hollows of night formed by a a unique mind. Was she troubled? What she disseminating a clairvoyant message from beyond the pale? One may never know, but never-the-less, this is some Shit My Fiancée Says.

In a whisper she breathes, “Don’t make your souls wash over me.”

Startled I reply, “Well, what am I supposed to wash over you?”

With an air of mystery she responds, “An old, dead wish.”

Her cryptic dream desire unsettled me, and needless to say I slept with disquiet apprehension that night.

Wild West Wonder

Yee-haw, it’s a beautiful morning down yonder in Tejas! (although it’s 80°F at 6AM), making it a perfect day for a hoop-hollerin’ hoot of a Shit My Fiancée Says! Tarnation, when you hear this one you might could be fit to split. Some nights I reckon I might get a deep stint of shut-eye, but it always seems that dog won’t hunt when she gets the case of wobblin’ jaw.

I was playing a western inspired video game at the time my better half wrested from her sugar-plum visions to have a nice conversation with me. In an informative manner she said:

“Oh! You need to get the warrant”

Very amused I replied, “Oh, yeah? What warrant?”

“The warrant for…” she extended her ‘r’ then spent a good 7 seconds thinking until finishing her thought with 100% confidence “hunting. The hunting warrant.”

I gave her an intrigued hmmmmmmmm.

“You need to search the house for the….” … “stuff before you get….”…. another long pause. “pulled”. The way she enunciated pulled, stretching out the ‘u’ like a hot taffy really gave it emphasis.

Thinking I’m funny (as always) I say, “Pulled in a good way?”

She smiles and softly chuckles at the absurdity. “No. It’s not good.” Her chest bounced with her miniscule laugh as she closed her eyes to resume her sleep.

What in the Sam Hill, y’all? I am so thankful that this woman can effortlessly entertain me even while she sleeps! There is never a dull moment with this precious dreamer. Stay tuned until next time, but for now, I have a hankerin’ for some biscuits and gravy.

You’re Cupless!

Welcome back to Shit My Fiancée (now wife) Says!

A most endearing and affectionate woman. One who always keeps me on my toes. One who helps me fight my foes. One who helps me wash my clothes. But after dark, all bets are off. The loudly-sleeping beauty will, without warning, spring awake, her eyes wide with surprise, often pawing the bed around her for something familiar to comfort her still-sleeping brain. In the darkest depths of night, in a half-intelligible attempt to articulate some hazy idea… she speaks:

“You haven’t done it yet either? “

A marked pause.

“You haven’t gotten the bird yet.”

Not a question.

“You’re cupless.”

She isn’t wrong. I did not have a cup.

“You cryin’?”

I wasn’t.

“Awww frozen”

If only I could sit inside that tired mind and take a look around. It seems like a fascinating place! Thanks for reading, fellow ants!

Dummies Alive

There was once a man who had no time. His life was consumed by his career, his school, and his duties as a man. His desire to fix things interfered with his desire to have fun. His refusal to ask for help only increased his time lost. By utilizing wiki-hows and YouTube tutorials, he was able to do anything, but where does the time go? Or does time stay while he goes?

One day that man had a slow night at work. He had no classes to attend, or work to be done. That man was me. Which explains why I am here wasting time for my future self to indulge in my ignorant younger-self’s rants and laugh in wonder at my ideologies.

It is time for another issue of Shit My Fiancee Says! Actually this came from my wife, but you can’t just change the name of a most beloved recurring segment. Hopefully you’ll get a kick out of this old man 😉

Anne deeply slumbers, snoring annoyingly. The drool forms a perfect tear shape at the tip of her protruding tongue. With every snore, her tongue wiggles in a sine-wave like formation while the spit tear impossibly clings to the edge. Her body is positioned in such a way that would make a chalk outline jealous. I am up past my bedtime as a grown man is allowed to do (Anne!) playing Red Dead Redemption very quietly when…. she speaks:

“She’s just standing by it. Just standing.”

Me: “By the fire?”

She must have misheard me since she replies “She’s there just standing alone by the…. farm?” But she goes on, “No one else but her on the farm.”

Anne’s imagination must be running wild, with vivid pictures dancing like sugar plums for only her to see. Her voice changes to a dramatic, story-telling tone.

“She just stands there… by the fire. But then she is reading the book and Pinocchio is there, but you hear it from *his side of the story*” The last bit spoken in a poor attempt (or amazing attempt for a sleeping person) to imitate a movie voice over guy.

“Night of the living dummy. Night of the living dummy is what it is.”

Quite a different vision of the classic Pinocchio that we all know and love. But maybe she’s right. Maybe her meditative sleep has the power to show her the truth. Maybe she is trying to warn all the wooden marionette owners to beware. Maybe she is the receptacle of some forsaken wisdom?! She had passed out from one too many shots that night, so probably not.

Sleep tight, ants.

Beans?

June 29th 1:59 A.M.

She has been up since 8AM with her younger sister and her friend and some music festival. She had told me she was exhausted around 8PM and I hadn’t heard from her since.

The TV is blaring, on Adult Swim. When get on the bed and gently take my pillow out of her grasp so I may lay down in comfort. She says quietly, but clearly “a big ol’ pot of beans. What about you?”

Usually at this point I will try to edge her on by some positive affirmations, or by repeating what she had just said, but when I replied with

“A big ol’ pot of beans?”

She rustled out of her sleep and with a big smile “a big ol’ pot of beans.” Then she tried to grab me and hold me. Since, I have already missed two crazy sleep talking sessions, one because I was dead beat, and the other was last night, something about a door, bit ghost adventures was amaxing, I wrestled away to type this up. I wonder what is going on in that bean’s head sometimes!

Four O’clock Nonsense

I am up a little later than usual tonight. I was caught up in some rubbish playing on comedy central and of course gave some time to the consumption of free apps. My eyelids are getting heavy so I lock my phone and lay down.

She extends her hand to my face, touches my head and gently grabs a small amount of my hair in between her fingers.

“So you going around and touching the sides had nothing to do with your real life, correct?” She says.

“Correct” i replied.

“So it had nothing to do with you *snickers* in a parallel universe *snicker* hanging upside down?”

Me laughing “no”

She laughs and tells me she is going to take this pillow “over here” before hugging it and rolling over to sleep.

This one actually made me laugh out loud because it seemed she realized as she was speaking that it was ridiculous. I’ll ask her tomorrow if she has any memory of this. My bet is that she won’t. She could barely stay standing upright when I showed her a couple previous entries. What a funny, lovely lady  Sleepy time now.

Sleep Talkin’

As the infomercials make their nightly debut, my fiancee recites some unintelligible nonsense.

She had had a few shots before passing out, and she is a lightweight. She rustles under the covers. That entices me to ask her:

“How are you feeling, baby?”

sleepy and grumbling she replies, “mmhhmmm”

Me: “You feeling alright?”

Her: negatively “nnnhmmm”

Me: “Aw. I love you, baby”

She responds, “shhhhhhhhhh”

Hahaha that made me actually laugh out loud. She says some funny stuff when she is asleep. And I don’t need reassurance. Surely her unconscious mind isn’t openly saying what it has always wanted to say. Saying that my love should be shushed away, ignored and resented. Surely….

G’night!

My fiancee

I didn’t think I would have an update this quickly, but she is a maniac when it comes to sleep talking. Have a gander.

6_07_15 3:01am

Fiancee: wakes up “what are you doing”?

Me: folding pants “I am folding my pants so they are not wrinkly tomorrow”

FIANCEE: “That’s what you’re doing just folding pants over and over again?”

Me: “yeah”

Fiancee: clearly irritated “Well I need to figure out where to put this guy’s body, cuz his tongue keeps hanging out”

Me: repeat what she just said, questioning it.

FIANCEE: “Yep, his tongue’s just hanging out” falls back to sleep. 

That’s it for now. Night!

My sleeping fiancee

Let me preface this by calrifying something. I work from 4pm to midnight. My fiancee works from 9am to 6pm. She is usually asleep by the time I arrive home from my nearly hour long commute from work. The cute, wonderful woman that she is has a tendency to make wild declarations, catchphrases, call-backs, wonderful anecdotes, refrences and, most of all, unintelligible nonsense, in her sleep.

I am only now coming forward with this unconscious gold. I have told her and she has suggested that I keep a log, so what better vessel than this here blog. I may make another separately if I actually keep up with this night hy night. I estimate that about three nights a week she wakes up spouting some entertaining shit. I shall see how it goes.

This will be a combination of past and present things that have been said, though I don’t think they are a necessary addition to these posts. All of these quotes will be out of context except to the person relaying them. The brilliance is in its simplicity and the only thing needed is a mouthy unconcious woman.

Let’s delve a little deeper and peer into the mind of

THE SLEEPING FIANCEE

June 7th 2:32am

FIANCEE: ” You go Timbleton. You go right along!”

Me: “Templeton? With his  Smörgåsbord at the carnival?”

FIANCEE: a loud and emphatic”No!”

These “conversations” are not usually long, but they are very meaningful and have a delivery and obscurity that is purely genius! No one could preform this intentionally while conscious. Thanks for reading. Night!